I have reached The Point. The Point I have heard other foreigners speak of time and again, but never identified with until recently. I've always taken news of The Point with a grain of salt, assuredly believing I would never actually reach it myself. But yes, I have officially, and perhaps regretfully, reached the infamous Point.
The Point, by common definition, is the point a foreigner reaches when they've grown accustomed to the society in which they live, and their original society--the society they were born into and the society they know--becomes foreign. The Point is a place of no return: I've changed and no matter how hard I try to prepare myself to return to my home country, I will always see it through different eyes, and I will leave a small part of myself in the country I have grown into over the past few months.
The Point is a confusing, uncomfortable and somewhat frightening place to be. It is also a place of growth and change, and if I had a sense of who I am and where I want my life to go from here, I might just welcome The Point with open arms. But I feel as though my sense of self--my foundations, my beliefs, my dreams--is hopelessly waning at the moment. (But I suppose "my sense of self" is another topic entirely.)
Being away from my home is painful. I love it and I miss it, but the pain isn't entirely the pain of homesickness. The pain is a certain sadness that comes with The Point--knowing I've changed and knowing the people I left behind have changed and that nothing, no matter how hard I try to make it the way it used to be, will ever be the same again.
The Point, for me, is questioning where to go from here. I'm one month away from my halfway mark in Korea. My time here has flown by faster than I can articulate and I know the remainder of the time left on my visa will fly by just as quickly. I resolved, when I first arrived in Busan, that I would start making plans for my future at the six-month mark. But as the six-month mark quickly approaches, the one question I have in my mind is relatively simple: Should I stay here or should I go home? I'm caught between two worlds (or two hemispheres, to be geographically correct). These worlds offer me two sets of options that are so distinctly different that any decision I make will quite literally determine the direction of my life. Which direction should I choose? East? West? Or something entirely different?
I don't want to start contemplating my decisions just yet; I still have a month before I need to start thinking about my future seriously. But my decisions are harder than I want them to be. The decisions I need to make come June, July, August, and September leave me feeling like a child; a child waiting for a parent to make the decision for her so she doesn't have to choose. (Welcome to adulthood, Liz!)
The Point, for me, is a point of struggling surrender. This is the point where God comes in to play, but only if I let him. Or perhaps he's a little more in control of things than I give him credit for. Hmmm.... I need to think about that for a minute.
Are you still with me? Ten points to the person who actually makes it through this post!
Oh, and while you're still here, can you give me any ideas on how to get rid of a dog my roommates have grown to love? I think the dog is adorable and sweet, but he chewed up my journal the other day. Needless to say, I'm a little irked with the orally fixated critter and I would like to find him a puppy-proof home.
7 comments:
I have been looking and looking for a new post and I must say that this was a good one. I mean....wow! I don't think I can be of any real help just know that I will keep you in my prayers. I think that you are having very real and very common struggles for people our age. Hang in there and listen for God to speak to you. Keep me updated! As, far as the dog situation---I don't know. miss ya!
Ohmigosh! How did I miss this? I check your blog every day and I never saw this post until today. When I checked yesterday, your puppy blog was the last one there.
I earned the ten points - twice!
My heart goes out to you. I know how analytical you are and how you agonize over decisions. I had to smile at your comment about feeling like a child wanting a parent to make a decision for you. I remember how when you were little, even though you wanted some independence and autonomy, you would beg me to tell you what to choose because you didn't want to make a decision. It used to drive you crazy when I would tell you I couldn't make the decision for you. I wish I could help you now, but as you know this is your journey to make. Know that I will be walking along side you even though I cannot choose the path. I pray every day (several times, actually) that God will draw you close and give you peace and assurance, strength and safety and all the other things a mother prays for her dearly loved child.
Liz...wow. that's all I can say. I, as those before me, will be praying for you in these next few months. for fear of swaying your decision/confusing you more/making myself the saddest/or none of the above I will just say that I love you and will pray (yes, I know I already said that) that you will make the best decision for you and your life ahead. but I do need to know that despite what you decide to do and where you decide to go, I will get to see you, even if it's every once in a while:) I miss you and will talk to you soon.
Liz, it's a post like this that makes me realize how much I love and miss you. I guess I had one of those "questioning" weekends and now hearing what an impact these last few months have made on you changes my perspective a little. I wish I could sit down with you over a cup of coffee and really hear what life has been like for you, but that will have to wait. I will be praying that God makes the decision very clear.
yeah, i win 10 points too!
liz, you are a phenomenal writer, and my heart also goes out to you for some decisions you have to make....looking forward to some more late night chats with you babe....and some INDIA trip planning perhaps!!!
I have reached the point, too. The next Point is where the latent home culture begins to surface again and you find yourself struggling not to resent the differences here.
Your writing is absolutely captivating. Lonely Planet should be begging for us... maybe we should just let them know. Bye, other Lee.
Aub
You put it so eloquently!!
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